I’ll say it since it’s something that many people are afraid to utter: When I initially learned I was carrying a boy, I felt… puzzled. The ultrasound showed him to be in good health, which made me happy. After anxiously awaiting the baby’s gender for weeks, I was relieved to learn it. But there was also something else. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it at the moment, and I didn’t even want to look too closely at it. So, I was excited to have a boy but I also felt like crying.
My dream was to have a daughter. I have a strong bond with my mother, and I wanted a daughter to experience the same. I wanted to impart to her some knowledge about what it meant to be a woman today. And yes, I believe I also wanted to do the usual “female” things with a daughter—get pedicures, go shopping with her, and share makeup—as regrettable as it is to admit. I am aware that.
I can categorically state that all of those sensations were incredibly transitory fifteen years and two boys later. I don’t even remotely miss having a daughter. Having sons is the best thing ever. My sons are my world. And I am occasionally astonished by how much I enjoy raising guys.
Yet, just because my disappointment was momentary doesn’t mean it wasn’t real.
What is frequently referred to as “gender disappointment” is actually the baby’s sex, not their gender. An important note: gender is an identity that isn’t known until a child is old enough to identify with a gender thus parents often presume that a baby’s gender matches their sex allocated at birth.Acknowledging disappointment about your baby’s sex is still pretty taboo in parenting circles. We are supposed to love our child unconditionally. And we do. But we are also complicated people with a multitude of emotions. It should go without saying, but it’s possible to feel disappointment and also feel grateful and in love with your baby. We can feel more than one emotion at the same time. Humans are amazing like that.
I loved my baby boy instantly, but it took a while to settle into being the mother of a son. But three years later, when we learned we were having another boy, I was thrilled to be having another boy.
