We lifted our hands in front of the judge and vowed to treat Addy and her brother Dominick as though they were our own after seven months of foster care. We finally became a family after innumerable delays, setbacks, and turnabouts. We had all been waiting for this finish line, so why didn’t we all experience the joy I expected?
Years were spent daydreaming about adoption in our household. I was unofficially adopted when I was a teenager, whereas my husband was adopted at birth. After having three biological children, adoption seemed to us to be the logical next step. Even though it was a different situation than we had anticipated, it seemed right when we learned of a local sibling pair in need of a permanent home.
We prayed for the change, and we all desired it. Change is a weird thing, though. Even good changes that we carefully choose and plan for sometimes catch us off guard because of their emotional impact. “I assumed I would be joyful after I got adopted, and I am, but the feelings, they just come,” my 12-year-old adopted daughter Addy recently said. I have no idea how or why, but occasionally they just appear.
Indeed, dear girl. They undoubtedly do.
I cried every day as I clumsily learned how to care for wounded kids and adapted to a new dynamic in our family. I felt remorse. After all, this is the opportunity we’ve been waiting for, shouldn’t it be a time of excitement? I let my kids experience a range of feelings.
According to a study by Munchkin, it takes most new moms about five months to adjust to motherhood, a new baby and a new lifestyle. There aren’t any studies on how long it takes to adjust to adopting an older, traumatized sibling set, but it’s definitely taken me longer than five months. I didn’t have a rule book for how to adjust or how long it would take. I put so much pressure on myself to feel steady, but most days, I felt like I was dancing off-beat.
Adjusting to a new season in motherhood takes time, and that time frame is different for each mom and each situation. There is a place for survival mode. It’s okay not to have it all figured out for a while. Survival mode is unsettling for moms because we fear it will last forever, but the truth is, it doesn’t. You will find your footing again. Give it time.
